There are these moments in my life that are more focused, more lucid, than the rest. I seem for that moment, present. It's not usually a particularly special moment, but a calm moment, brief lasting only seconds. In that space and time I consciously say to myself, "Ah... there you are. We are here." I look around, and see, I hear, I think about where I am, what is happening, how I got here, how long I will be here, and wonder if I will remember this pause (I never do).
This morning I had one of those moments. I am in a small crisis, one of those that in reality is no crisis at all, but in practicality, it is quite dire. I no longer feel a compulsion to link my identity to what my work title is, or to what I have or have not accomplished, I do want to pay my debts, keep a roof over our heads, and food on the table. Lights are nice too. So being on "sabbatical" is my crisis.
I am looking back over my life, the places I have been, the decisions I have made, all that have ultimately brought me here, to this moment, this pause. I know, to some incomplete extent, who I think I am, but I wonder, who do others see. I don't care so much what they think of me, but who do they see? I am not wondering about the illusion that is the aura we create, some more earnest than others, but when they think of me, what immediately comes to mind, what do I make them feel?
One thread passes through me and at times holds me together, at others has choked me off and killed me. A stubborn integrity. Is this redundant? If one's integrity is not stubborn, then is it integrity? It has lead to all of my failures in life. I see them as failures, but in some sense they are victories, but Pyrrhic victories are all failures. I can stand on principle, and not allow myself to be compromised, I can try to do what I think is right when those with power over me see wrong, and in the ashes of what remains I stand alone. I have won nothing, I have survived with nothing. So what is the point? I suspect this is how the overwhelming majority of people get through their days... one has to stop caring and just do what power tells you to do, subtleties and realities aside. I have spent the past decade coming to understand this. No one can handle the truth, no one wants the truth, and to assuage power, one learns their truth and lives it. Voltaire commented to the effect that it is dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong. None of this is profound. None of this is new. It is what mankind has done since one picked up a rock and told another what to do. At some point, one tires of being hit with the rock.
What troubles me is that despite years of therapy, I still stumble into these traps. I make decisions with the voice softly screaming in the back of my head that this is going to mean a rock to the head, and before I know it the thing is done. This is never evil, never a wrong, it is always to me the higher road. But that higher road is traveled only by those who have no one to hit them with a rock. Everyone around me who has suffered likewise pats me on the back, then walks away shaking their head, glad the power did not think to hit them too, and wondering why I would want to be hit in the head with a rock, because that is what was sure to follow. Like all packs, the survivors skitter away grateful it was not them culled, and hoping not to attract attention. Rock avoidance is what "normal" people do.
I think it's because I have never tolerated bullies well. My first recollection of this was in the Third Grade. Tommy and Andy H were twin brothers that bullied everyone at school and the bus stop. Including me. Lunch money, lunch, candy, just because, the usual cliche's. They used to rough me up regularly, a convenient target who lived two houses up the street, smaller and shy (yeah, I used to be). My dad had enrolled me in Judo a couple of years before, but I was too afraid to fight back, there being two of them and they bigger than me. One day I had had enough, and I fought back. Put both of them on the ground in quick succession, and like bullies, they ran off in tears to their mom and missed the bus. Nothing came of it but a verbal argument between my dad and their dad, which my very big 6' 3" dad and his senior rank (he was a MSGT in the Air Force), won without much resistance . Besides, their dad was a wife beater and a coward, so he made a simple show of force and backed off. My first anti-bully win. I don't recall much more about them after that.
The moment that would define my life happened in middle school, back around 1975, I think it was. I was at a DOD school at Yokota Air Base in Japan. Jimmy H was a little scrapper everyone liked who always picked fights he was going to lose; little man complex. He'd pick a stupid fight, it would end quickly, everyone shook hands and became friends again. One day he picked a fight with Jimmy S, a new kid at school. Jimmy H didn't last long, we watched and allowed the inevitable. Jimmy H ended up fetal on the ground, never one to cry, he clearly gave up, his point made, his Pyrrhic victory won. Jimmy S, a bully we were already suspicious of, kicked him hard for no reason, and went in to kick him again. I stepped up and told him that was enough, Jimmy H was done. That's when Jimmy S swung at me. There was one thing everyone knew about me: if you are going to shoot the King, be sure he dies. I easily dodged the punch, and stepped forward, pushing him back, yelling, "Enough!". He made the mistake of swinging at me again. I don't miss, and with one punch knocked Jimmy S to the ground. He was groggy and did not get up. We picked him up, and took him into the student lounge.
As I remember it, I broke his jaw and he got wired. The reality is likely less dramatic... it wasn't a great punch, it just landed right/wrong. He was out of school for a couple of weeks, I got suspended for 3 days, leniency for the circumstances of defending Jimmy and not instigating, and my dad had to explain himself to his Commanding Officer. Jimmy S didn't eat solids for a few weeks. But he didn't bully anyone again. I don't recall feeling anything at all, no remorse, no elation, no shame, no sense of accomplishment nor pride. What I did wasn't about any of that. It was about not letting a "less than" be controlled by a "better than". This has been a theme of my life.
And it has been the bane of my existence. I just trigger whenever someone with power (authority) pushes someone without power. I push back, even though it seems at first not to be my dog in the fight. My intuition is that it is, it's all of our responsibility to stand up, especially when others can't. All of the crises moments of life have been for this reason. I think those who see me, know that I have always had issues with authority, mostly with what I might view as wanton power abuse. I am not much of a team player with the leadership is corrupt in some way, or is somehow hurting us.
So that is what my first cup of covfefe brought this morning. A moment's reflection, memories of childhood, and a sense of deep regret.
I made my Facebook Banner, it is totally me.
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