I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.

~ Douglas Adams

And so, here I am.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Chapter 1 Fido

The end of fall was heralded by the unexpected frost, a cold wind coming down from the north, a gift of the Canadians to their black sheep cousins to the south. As it is wont to do each fall, the brisk winds clear the deciduous forests, opening vistas and covering trails, making clean and fresh what had become pale and brown. Winter isn’t harsh if you stay inside, but to the denizens of the doorways and streets of Manchester, harsh is exactly what winter is. Winter is something to fear, to dread with shaking bones, an anxiety that did not go from night to night, day to day, but for weeks on end.

Emily, who had never really experienced snow let alone a real winter, had marveled at the hail that fell so thick, only to be chuckled at for the small snow squall and its sleety snow that had come through for the briefest of moments. She would later lament the long darkness that was a winter’s day in New Hampshire, and feel the burden of the seasonal depression that was its shroud. She would learn she liked the idea of snow, but not snow, not the snow that came early and beautiful, and left late and blackened, that made for “9 months of winter, and 3 months of damn poor sledding”.

She had come for the art school, but in the spring of her first year, her father had been fired from a job he never liked, by people he liked even less, and there really was no way for her to make ends meet without mortgaging her soul for a future that would never earn it back. She was too young to sell her future, there being no equity in it. So she left school, and having no where else to go, stayed in Manchester, taking her part time job as a crusher of coffee beans at Starbucks, and turning it into a full time job as a packer of pills at PillPack. She still couldn’t afford the rent, nor could her roommates, but together they could manage as long as none of them slipped up.  Nothing special, a walk up over Cesario’s, but it was an easy walk down Spring Street over to the Waumbec Mill building on the edge of the Merrimack River where PillPack stuffed peoples lives into little heat sealed plastic bags.

Emily had met Sarah and her girl friend Jennifer two summers ago when she had first come to the New Hampshire Institute of Art. They had lived in the same college dorm in the YMCA, and that first spring they took an apartment together over the pizza shop on Elm Street, pretty much just across the street. The two lovers took one room, and Emily got the other. No one was ever there, between work and school, so it worked. The place always smelled of Cesario’s Pizza, which was a mainstay of their diet. It was like their cat, Fido, had a place of his own and they just slept there.

Fido. What a life. They left a window out back cracked open enough for him to make his way out, and using his cat wiles he easily made it to street level to make his rounds. The heat always seemed to be on hellfire, no matter what they did with the thermostat, so keeping the window open might have been to vent the heat, but still, a path is a path between his two worlds. In, out, it was all up to him and his cat mood. He tended to hit the street early in the morning when it was dry. Fido doesn’t do wet. But he does do snickey’s, so he makes his way down one side of Elm Street and at some point turns around and comes back up the other. There is always someone who tosses him a bit of somethin’-somethin’, and by the time he made it back to the apartment he had had breakfast. Well, first breakfast, because in the apartment there was his bowl of dry, and once a day, a plate of some yummy wet food. Yeah, he does that kinda wet. Food was never an issue. Home is where the fresh water and wet food are. And where Emily is.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Toxic

The dangerous are not the bombast
but the whisperer,
the cunning clever one
who plays invisibly
and kills
ineffably.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

You belong wherever you are...

Really all anyone wants is to belong.
To be where they are and feel safe.
Know that if a moment arises they are among friends.
To be loved and cared for
despite themselves.
Thats all, just to belong.
Why is it so hard to just bring people in
and let them be?
Where do the toxic people come from?
Why do some have to be so hurtful,
finding some power in keeping another down?
They feel unloved, uncertain of their place in the world,
so they fight to belong,
drowning others that might take their place.
They are not the bombast, but the silent predator.
Be that heart that opens
to bring in the sad, the lost, the happy and proud,
and give them your place at the table.
You will not lose your place
but instead beholden others to your keeping it.
All anyone needs really,
is to be loved.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Loneliness

The light shone into the deepest corners of the room,
Yet the darkness remained, unabated.
Peace, he heard, came at a price.
The evil he feared was not what he needed saving from,
The words rumbled through him uncertain
And he found no solace there.
There is no peace in dying,
Only more suffering.
There is no end to this.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Follower

If it is your place to lead, lead. If it is your place to follow, follow. Do not follow blindly, but follow nonetheless. If the follower leads, the path is a circle unto itself. What purpose is there in that other than to stay lost? Be not presumptuous about your place. It is your place and it does not make you less than. But should you forget your place, cry not for being culled down, for that too, is your place. Suffer with humility and learn to follow well. Great leaders are first great followers. An army is not built on the shoulders of leaders but on the backs of followers. Follow well, and the day is yours. Follow well, and you will lead well, when your time is come.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The Abyss and The Cat


I was afraid.

The anxiety centered as a pain, a deep weight, in the center of my chest. I could feel the energy running in streams from every part of me into that deep abysss. It hurt, this draining, not as it left, but as it arrived, deepening the pressure in the center of my being. It suffocated, folded me in. It took my breath away. It paralyzed me.

The phone rang, and I nearly died. Nothing good ever came from a ringing phone. It has never failed me to ignore a ringing phone. Leave a message, I will deal with the news on my own time, my own way, and not have it dictated to me in the moment.

The cat stirred. A mistake he makes regulalry. It lead, as it always does, to his being squished in a tight cuddle, the miniscule "hhrrmph" of air from his tiny crushed lungs and his stiff armed Heisman speaking his protest. I kiss him and let him go, and after a moment he gets up and moves to the space between my knees, gaining the high ground pinning me to the couch.

I stare at him. His only stress seems to be, "Is the human getting me treats?". He is asleep within seconds, his near death experience already forgotten. No sense of time. Why should a cat have an awareness of time? He doesn't have to worry how long before the next bad news comes and if he will be ready. In fact, good news, bad news... it doesn't matter to a cat. I want to be a cat.

The fear faded as Rational Me fought through the clamor to be heard, pushing, forcing its way towards me. I settled down, the phone stopped ringing and the voice mail ping annoyed me. Time to get out of bed, conquer the day, change the world. Or nap. Be a cat. That became my goal for today. Be a cat. I melted out of bed, and headed in the general direction of the bathroom. Step one, pee. Step two, feed cat. Step three, find coffeee, kill it, drag it home, fill myself with it. Step four, one hoped, would become obvious then, because for now, thats as far ahead as I had any intention, or desire to plan my day off.

The couch welcomed my catness. The rain started to fall, softly, then in earnest, the smells of dampening earth, the sounds of the springed birds that brought me a deeper peace silenced, the drummming rains singing to me. I lost myself in the the cleansing calm. I had become the cat and I no longer cared about anything... other than treats.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Runner

He didn't see me as he had come in through the side door. I watched as he shook the light snow off and gently stomped his boots. I leaned back into the booth and watched. Sipping the bourbon warming in my hand, and watched.

He was older than I had expected. At least he looked older. His hair was longish and tucked back behind his ears. It stayed put when he removed his well weathered Stetson, the long locks curling slightly at the ends, its color segueing nicely with his close cropped mustache. His face was kind, handsome after a manly fashion, his smile genuine and simple, a word one doesn't connect with a smile, but it fit him. I liked him already. Hanging his hat on the wall, he removed his long coat dampened by the melting snow, hung it on the hook beneath, and made his way to the bar, taking a seat and asking for a Foster's from the comely barkeep, who clearly thought his smile worth spending a moment longer with.

I had first heard about him from a slaver who was more afraid of him than the Masters that had sent him into Indian country after runners. He had a reputation for putting down slavers hard and fast, no fanfare, no monologuing, just, BAM! Put down. A reputation for keeping runaway slaves free is why I was here. I tossed back the last of the whisky, and decided it was time to start this rodeo. I expected this to be a rough 8 seconds.