I was afraid.
The anxiety centered as a pain, a deep weight, in the center of my chest. I could feel the energy running in streams from every part of me into that deep abysss. It hurt, this draining, not as it left, but as it arrived, deepening the pressure in the center of my being. It suffocated, folded me in. It took my breath away. It paralyzed me.
The phone rang, and I nearly died. Nothing good ever came from a ringing phone. It has never failed me to ignore a ringing phone. Leave a message, I will deal with the news on my own time, my own way, and not have it dictated to me in the moment.
The cat stirred. A mistake he makes regulalry. It lead, as it always does, to his being squished in a tight cuddle, the miniscule "hhrrmph" of air from his tiny crushed lungs and his stiff armed Heisman speaking his protest. I kiss him and let him go, and after a moment he gets up and moves to the space between my knees, gaining the high ground pinning me to the couch.
I stare at him. His only stress seems to be, "Is the human getting me treats?". He is asleep within seconds, his near death experience already forgotten. No sense of time. Why should a cat have an awareness of time? He doesn't have to worry how long before the next bad news comes and if he will be ready. In fact, good news, bad news... it doesn't matter to a cat. I want to be a cat.
The fear faded as Rational Me fought through the clamor to be heard, pushing, forcing its way towards me. I settled down, the phone stopped ringing and the voice mail ping annoyed me. Time to get out of bed, conquer the day, change the world. Or nap. Be a cat. That became my goal for today. Be a cat. I melted out of bed, and headed in the general direction of the bathroom. Step one, pee. Step two, feed cat. Step three, find coffeee, kill it, drag it home, fill myself with it. Step four, one hoped, would become obvious then, because for now, thats as far ahead as I had any intention, or desire to plan my day off.
The couch welcomed my catness. The rain started to fall, softly, then in earnest, the smells of dampening earth, the sounds of the springed birds that brought me a deeper peace silenced, the drummming rains singing to me. I lost myself in the the cleansing calm. I had become the cat and I no longer cared about anything... other than treats.
